Count My Sins
by shaison
Summary: Takes place after one week after the season 2 finale. How did Lexa help Clarke deal with the lives she took? Will most likely change rating to M in future chapters


**Count My Sins**

_Chapter One_

It had been one week since Clarke had said goodbye to Bellamy at the gates of Camp Jaha and walked into the woods. She was thankful he had let her go, she had worried he'd try to go with her, but she didn't need his protection or even his companionship. All he could offer her was a false forgiveness she didn't want or deserve. There was only one person who could possibly understand her inner turmoil, Lexa, and just thinking about her made Clarke's heart ache. The Sky People considered The Commander's choice to save her people a betrayal, but Clarke knew.

She might not be happy with the choice that was made, but Clarke understood. She understood that in the scheme of things, The Commander could save 150+ people, or she could save 50. She understood that doing what's best for her people may not always be the most moral choice.

She thought about the events that led her to be the involuntary leader the delinquents looked up to. On top a rock on the shore of the river Octavia was attacked by a snake-like creature so long ago, she relived the time before the rest of the ark joined them.

Everyone was carefree, well almost everyone. Wells of course was concerned more for their survival than their newfound freedom, as was Clarke. If not taken so soon, what a team they could have been. She missed him every day, he was a good man and things may have turned out differently had he not been taken from them so early. She remembered Bellamy in the beginning, desperate to control things, fear of the Ark and their rules clouding his judgement. Who knew he'd become one of the most important people in her life. She loved him as if he were her own family. She had no doubt that without his leadership; everything would have fallen to shit.

She smiled thinking of Octavia, ready to fight anyone who challenged her before they even set foot on the ground. That may not have changed, but now she was on her way to becoming a warrior. Octavia may hate her now, but Clarke could do nothing but admire her. Her unwavering loyalty to those she loved was like nothing Clarke had ever witnessed. She remembered Octavia calling dibs on boys and flirting with anyone she pleased. That girl was long gone. Then she thought of Finn.

Finn, the boy so carefree with his lazy smile and shaggy hair. She remembered how convinced he was that peace with the grounders was the only way they could survive. How he was against the guns they brought back to camp with everything he had. Then she remembered the look in his eyes after her slaughtered an entire village, like he had single-handedly found Clarke on his own. She could never forget the crazed glint in his eyes as he stared at her, she had been terrified of him at that moment. She remembered him telling her he was in love with her, that everything he did, he did for her, and it made her sick to her stomach. The Finn she had cared for was gone, destroyed from fighting a war they were all too young for. But still, she couldn't bare to see him suffer the way the Grounders planned. She let him escape their physical torture by killing him herself, and his emotional pain by confessing her love for him, but she didn't love him. She loved him as she did Bellamy, but she was never in love with him. This world broke him, easily. Maybe Lexa was right, and love was weakness. It drove Finn insane.

Bellamy had asked her where she planned on going and she told him she didn't know, but that was a lie. She knew eventually her feet would lead her back to The Commander. She didn't know when that would be, but when she was ready, she'd know. In the week since her departure, Clarke had done absolutely nothing. She hadn't brought her drawing supplies with her, but even if she had, she doubted she would have used them. She ate when she was hungry, drank when she was thirsty, and slept in a cave where she was sure none of the Sky People would find her. She spent the days deep in thought, reflecting on her past. She thought about her family, her friends, the Ark, life on Earth, and the 350+ people she had killed saving her friends.

They didn't deserve to die, but there was no other way. In that moment, Clarke didn't have time to figure out how to save the innocent and her people. There was no right or wrong, there was only survival. And Clarke knew it would haunt her until the day she died, she knew pulling that lever would destroy her, but she couldn't let her friends die. She wasn't sure Jasper would ever forgive her, but one girl was not worth the life of all of their friends and family. She didn't regret her choice to save her people, but the repercussions of her actions were something she could barely survive. She would never do what Finn did. She would never subject them to the burden of her choice to murder all those people; it was choice and her choice alone.

She was jolted out of her thoughts by familiar voice behind her, calling her name. Dread filled the pit of her stomach. "_I'm not ready for this yet"_ she thought. Slowly, she turned around and was met with green eyes full of… concern. There, standing behind her was The Commander, alone and unarmed. But she wasn't The Commander, she was Lexa. Her mask was slightly lowered and Clarke could see the emotions that were swirling behind those eyes, and right now they looked more worried than Clarke was sure Lexa allowed anyone to see. She wasn't sure if the slip was accidental or intentional, but when she didn't respond, Lexa spoke again. "Clarke, I am sorry if this is intrusive, but I have gotten word that you never returned to your camp." She paused before continuing, "I was worried that perhaps you were in danger. I… I couldn't rest until I knew that you were well." She dropped her gaze from Clarke to look past her, over the river, before returning to Clarke's eyes.

When they had stared at each other for a good five minutes, Clarke let out a deep breath and turned around, resting her arms atop her knees. "Lexa," she began, "I am not well." That was all she could say, afraid that if she spoke any more, her voice would crack. She could hear Lexa tentatively walking towards her, could see her out of the corner of her eye when she stood to her right. With a nod from Clarke, Lexa sat down in silence and looked out over the river with her1. After a moment of silence, Lexa spoke, "I understand."


End file.
